Round Motors

Those were the days...

We gotta get rid of those turbine engines; they're ruining aviation and our hearing

A turbine is too simple minded, it has no mystery. The air travels through it in a straight line and doesn''t pick up any of the pungent fragrance of engine oil or pilot sweat.

Anybody can start a turbine. You just need to move a switch from OFF to START and then remember to move it back to ON after a while. My PC is harder to start than that.

Cranking a big old round engine requires skill, finesse and style. You have to seduce it into starting. It's like waking up a horny mistress. On some planes the pilots weren't even allowed to do it

Turbines start by whining for a while, and then they give a little lady-like poof fart and start whining a little louder.

Big old round engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click, BANG, more rattles, another BANG, a big macho FART or two, some more clicks, then begin to pour out a generous amount of smoke and finally produce a seriously low pitched throbbing roar. We like that. It's a GUY thing

When you start a round engine your mind is engaged and you can concentrate on the flight ahead. Starting a turbine is like flicking on a ceiling fan. Maybe useful, but hardly very exciting. When you start a round engine successfully your crew chief looks up at you like he would let you kiss his girl too.

Turbines don't break or catch fire often enough. This leads to aircrew boredom, complacency and inattention. A round engine could puke at any minute, leaving a long trail of oil, loose parts, and smoke in its wake. This helps pilots concentrate their minds on the flight.

Turbines don't have enough control levers or gauges to keep a pilot's attention. There's nothing to fiddle with during long flights.

Turbines smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman Lanterns. Round engines smell like God intended engines to smell.


"Just to let you know—The 'Round Motors'-rant was originally written by me in June 2002. It’s fun to see it on sites!"
Bob McKellar

Thanks to Sean Keating for providing me with this text.

 


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